Even The Best Fall Sometimes

Monday, November 10, 2008.

Nearly 21 years spent living on this planet and no amount sadness, disbelief, denial, sorrow, hurt, misery, and even anger that I have ever experienced could ever compare to what I felt that day. It is a pain that is incomprehensible to the ones looking in. Unexplainable. An unimaginable type of pain one thinks in their wildest dreams, will never to have to go through. One can only be understand it through experience, but no one deserves to experience this. No one.

On that day there was no falling, I just fell. I was left in pieces, and with each passing day I continue to crumble. Its so surreal, "this cannot be happening, this is not real, it is just one bad nightmare. Im going to open my eyes and everything will be okay" Is what I keep telling myself. On repeat. When the night comes I go to sleep and hope to wake up and realize that this was just all but a dream, but no, I awaken and the big cruel and unforgiving hand of reality comes and smacks me on the face. Nothing has changed, it is not a dream, the pain is still there and the tears keep coming. I can't stop it, I cant change it. You really are gone.

I don't know why you did it. You have left me and the rest of our family confused and shaken, but most of all; hurting. This is not you. This is not the Kuya Albert that I know. Not the one I looked up to all these years. Not the one that I idolized, just not you. But whatever the reason I know it was too much to handle. Everyone has their breaking point and I will try my best to understand and respect your decision. It is your life and ultimately, you are the only one that can control it.

Why didn't you call us, were here for you always. You knew that, I know you knew that. It hurts so much and I refuse to accept it, but I know that when I fly to Virginia on Saturday, I will have no choice but to to do just that. But I can't shake the thought of not being there for you. Especially when you needed me the most. Why didn't I call you more often. Why didn't I make time to visit.

I spend my whole day thinking about this. I think about you. All the good times we had growing up. How much fun we had. All the adventures and all the troubles we got into. Man will I miss those and Thank you for all of that.

There is so much more on my mind but its just not possible to put into words. I'm hurt and I'm not okay. You were such a big part of my life. I don't think I can ever get over this. I have lost you. My cousin, but most of all... my friend.

I hope that you have found your peace.
You will forever be in my heart.
You will never be forgotten.

Rest In Peace Kuya.
I Love You.